1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
   


2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
   


3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
   


4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
   


5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
   


6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
   


7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
   


8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
   


9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
   


10. The best place to be when you are sad is Grandpa's lap.
    

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
   


2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
   


3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
   


4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
   


5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
   


6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
   

Great Truths About Growing Old:

1. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
   


2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
   


3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you are down there.
   


4. You are getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
   


5. It is frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
   


6. Time may be a great healer, but it is a lousy beautician.
   


7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
   

The Four Stages of Life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
   


2. You do not believe in Santa Claus.
   


3. You are Santa Claus.
   


4. You look like Santa Claus.